When Not to Help Others

Rev. Amari Magdalena

Most of you reading this are innate helpers.  You care deeply about others, are empathetic, and a natural helper/healer.  What a gift you have!  How wonderful that you can offer yourself in service to others in your unique way.  So your asking yourself when is the ‘but’ coming or why is there a problem with this. My answer is timing and request.

This is a tough one for many of us, me included.  I was so often problem solving in my kids lives that I’ve often been informed by them that they are adults. I’ve had to learn to listen better when they share, not respond with my similar story, and only then, ask if they would like to hear a suggestion. Of course, preparing for the answer that they may not want my suggestion.

I’ve observed the help issue in many situations lately with some of my metaphysical friends.  As I reacted to unsolicited help, expertise, or unwanted divination with some degree of irritation, I thought it time to talk about it.  Why would I react away from help?  Because, I only needed an ear, not a solution.

I believe that what will ultimately heal humanity is when social/emotional environments are created in which people feel fully independent, empowered, and capable of handling their lives. In other words, that evolved human can say to themselves as issues arise, “You got this babe!”  The reasoning behind my belief is that when we are too dependent on others to solve our problems, we don’t own the results. Thus we always perceive ourselves as less capable, able, etc.

When we jumped to problem solving for others without giving them time to reflect, absorb, comes to terms with, etc., we can cause psychic and emotional harm.  Oh, yes, we intended for good but missed the mark. My question is, did we ask you?  No. When you jumped in with your solution, did we feel listened to?  No. When you consulted your own guides instead of giving us space to consult our own, why did we shrug you off? It was interference, plain and simple.

Well intentioned you may have been, I totally understand that.  It’s also possible that at some unconscious level, you were playing a little one-upsmanship. We can often get so full of ourselves we forget the source of our healing talents-Spirit. When I follow guidance, all is well.  When my ego gets in the way, no good comes of it.

I’ve been a Reiki Master for 25 years and a Shamanic Healer for almost 30.  If there is anything I’ve learned along the way, it is to get the hell of the way so Universal Life Force Energy can use you as a channel.  I had the wondrous experience of positively transmitting energy to heal burns, shoulder displacement, breast cancer tumors, gallstones, ovarian cancer, chemo aftereffects, troubled pregnancies, paralysis, tendon tears, hiatal hernias, psychological issues, anxiety, trauma etc.  And, I know without a doubt, I am the vehicle not the source.

When people have come to me for healing, the first thing I ask is: “Are you ready to be healed?” This is to make them a partner in the process.  I often spend time in a platica (heart talk) to discuss contributing factors like diet, stress, relationships etc. before we do the actual hands on work. I’m prone to giving homework to people so that clients can make claim to their own healing.  If this isn’t integrative medicine, I don’t know what is.

But I digress.  It is a wonderful thing when people reach out to help us when we are faced with an illness.  The feeling of having people who care is immeasurable. That said, please take time to truly hear the person and support all the emotions they may be having over a disagreeable diagnosis. * Give them space to cogitate, ruminate, and masticate the situation.  Trust that they have consulted their own inner physician for information. When they ask, oh Yes, show up. If I ask for a little energy or prayer on FB, I am very grateful that you are willing to do that and care. And, I will ask!  I’m in hopes you will also ask me.

Be the help that is invited, and you will be providing an amazing service. Know the right moment and you’ll have loving, devoted friends forever.  They’ll love that you gave space and then showed up when the team (tribe) was called in. Then, and only then, will you serve to uplift and carry out your service.

"When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed." Maya Angelou

"It's impossible to hold up the banners of victim and victory at the same time." Lysa TerKeurst

"Be helpful but don't allow others to depend on you too much.  Help by teaching them how to help themselves."

*One exception is when the person is unconscious or unable to respond. In that case, the family may ask for your healing help.

Judgments

by Rev. Amari Magdalena

Recently, I was struck by judgmental commentary on Facebook about parenting.  It reminded me of the old singsong, playground torment, “my ____ is better than your _____.”  It presents in my mind, a clear and present danger to building those bridges of understanding that the world so desperately needs.  This mine is best raises its ugly head almost daily on FB with the war of foodies. Then comes the barrage of politics.  Everywhere there seems to be conflict.

We’ve come to a great chasm in our country precipitated by polarizing viewpoints of what is best for our country.  There is a harsh and bitter divide brewing in rhetoric, snarky humor, and resurfacing of buried hurts and prejudices.  Families, friends, cohorts, fraternal organizations, and other associations are experiencing tearing apart over oppositional viewpoints. We are rapidly moving toward the nation divided of which Abraham Lincoln posited we would not stand.

The word judgment suggests that we’ve come to a decision after careful thought.  Yet the judgments being lambasted upon respondents to Facebook posts seem much more impulsive and emotional.  Careful thought has gone begging.  The word, judgmental, on the other hand, displays an excessively critical point of view.

I grew up with extremely critical parents.  As a troubled adult, I found that legacy creeping into my vernacular whenever my own personal self-judgments got projected onto nearby others. Easier to deflect the self-criticisms perhaps than to own up to the underlying self-esteem issues at the real heart of the matter.  If I wasn’t projecting onto others; I was self-flagellating in damaging words.

It took some time of attempting to walk in another person’s shoes and the vagaries of my own life’s unfolding, to realize how harmful criticism is (both self and other).  As an artist and author, I’ve been the recipient of criticism that demonstrated our collective wounds in glaring clarity.  I found a quote in a book I just read that captured this for me poignantly.  “…first rule of being an artist or doing anything creative is to do it for yourself and consider the source when someone criticizes your work.”

The bible reminds us to cast not the first stone yet stoning with words seems to be the game du jour of our present environment. From a shamanic perspective, words can be spell casting.  One of the first Toltec premises for a more joyous life, is to become impeccable with our words; reframe from causing harm.

Beyond our words doing harm, are our negative thoughts.  Each, and every, time we see someone perhaps dressed in a way we do not approve of; our judgment is telepathically sent to the person. A sensitive person perceives this. Imagine the fog of judgment floating through the air every day just from our less than stellar thoughts. Now add pixels of projected negativity through our tablets, cell phones, computers, etc.  It’s amazing we are not all going around like the old cartoon character Joe Btfsplk in Li’l Abner who always had a dark cloud over his head.

So, what is the solution? How do we arrest this judgmental tendency in ourselves, our circle of friends, and our nation?  My answer is paying attention; noticing.  It begins with us.  From our first thoughts when we get out of bed until the last thoughts before we go to sleep, we are thinking.  Much of the thoughts are not positive.  If we tune into any media daily, we have had our consciousness filled with thoughts of human failings.  Add to that our own self-judgments and then our stated unhappiness with those around us, and we have a compost pile of very putrid debris.

First solution is NOT to berate yourself; very important.  Notice the thought; thank it; advise it that you are complete with its message; and send it back to the nothingness from which it came.  No harm; no foul. Follow this with a positive thought about whatever was coming up.

I KNOW this is a huge challenge.  Facebook is filled with negative media and just a few truly inspiring stories.  If you’re posting 10 a day; make 9 of them positive.  If you must post a negative to arouse people towards change, couch the posting by substituting “Ain’t it awful” with “this is such a great message for us to really awaken and affirm, though actions and words, for a more humane perspective.”

Most definitely, I am not advocating for burying our heads in the sand when crucial issues for human existence are at stake.  Simply suggesting, I am, that we spin it to the positive.  “Look how clear this example is for bringing us to collective change for good.  See how it is demonstrating in vivid colors, the ways we need to change and experience our society.  What a gift!”

Look, I’m not setting myself up as a saint here or saying that I do this all the time.  Good Lord, no!  What this tome is about is taking baby steps towards a consciousness of love and compassion so that we do create a world where everyone thrives.  We do everything we are capable of to create positive change for the common good.  And, we take time to look inside the flowers of life to see their magnificence!

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies...Something your hand touched some way, so your soul has somewhere to go when you die...It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it, into something that's like you after you take your hands away."  Ray Bradbury

"You can't make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt.  And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?"  Bob Moawad

 😊  A little humor to end on!

Loss and Grief

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

A recent program that I listened to on NPR discussed the impact of loss and grief on the airplane crash victim’s families.  It got me thinking about all of the large and small losses, and resultant grief, that we each experience on this physical plane over a lifetime.  Some of our losses we more easily recover from under the old adage, “live and learn.”  The big ones may take a lot more time and for those we may find acceptance on some levels yet may not ever fully recover in the sense of being the same person we were before the loss.

Years ago I wrote in a poem, “Or would the moment die its own fleeting death anyway ...As we are living and dying in moments.”  This was not meant to be fatalistic rather a recognition that there are all kinds of deaths that we come to cope with over our time on this Earth; each in our own way. The path to coping and acceptance are as varied as the causes or conditions of the deaths.

There were two times in my life that I’ve felt overwhelming grief at death.  One was the year that Martin Luther King, my cousin Patsy and Bobby Kennedy died in April, May and June correspondingly.  I could not fathom such grief at loss of leadership and a young, beautiful cousin. It took a good year to find some peace with their individual and collective passing.

The other time was even more egregious.  Within a period of three years, I lost a 3-year-old grandson, a 52-year-old sister and a 17-year-old nephew.  I’d had a premonition that major grief was about to descend several weeks before the first death; thankfully I was given no idea whatsoever what was to come. And, the grief wasn’t over I sensed after our beautiful Diego was gone.  What a roll-a-coaster ride those short years were.

Each of us must find a path through our grief and losses. What saved me with the latter griefs ultimately was the grounding that daily sustains me through earth-based practices and the medicine wheel of life. I feel extremely fortunate that I found this path as it has sustained me as no other in my lifetime.

In working with my personal grief, and others in my family and pastoral counseling, I’ve seen that there is no formula or time frame for processing grief.  The ‘get over it’ mentality that so very many people espouse to avoid deep feelings, just doesn’t work.  The degree of loss includes: the circumstance of the loss; the people or loved pets involved; the place one is in their life; the supportive environment or lack thereof; the time in life; etc. 

For some people, counseling is effective; for others grief support groups.  Others may take solace in their religious or spiritual practices. I believe there is no right way.  Each of us, with some support, or help, can find a pathway that works.

I’m also struck by what I said in the poem, we are living and dying in moments.  That knowledge, for me, means that I want to embrace my life in the now with appreciation for each day and the people who are now in my life.  It also means that I can treasure what is presented to me today without worrying about what might be taken away tomorrow or what was taken in the past.

Dia de los Muertos ceremonies are a wondrous way to celebrate our friends and family who’ve stepped through the veil.  At that time when the veils are thinnest between the material and ethereal worlds, we can bring into our presence those loved ones and celebrate them.  At other times, memories and pictures help us keep a loving connection with our beloveds. 

Birth, life and death are the triumvirate we all live with.  Being gentle with ourselves, allowing grief it’s due, and coming to feel thankful for whatever time is allotted us and our dear ones, can move us a long way to acceptance and appreciation for the fragility of this wondrous play, Life.  The key is living and loving.

[53 Past Blogs are in my book "Shaman Talk" available in softcover and ebook on Amazon.com]