Loneliness

 by Amari Magdalena

Loneliness in the 21st century has become endemic. Covid certainly played a role yet separation has grown. Most affected are 18–24-year-olds and people 65 and over. Isolation is the partner of loneliness and they are causing depression, anxiety, and psychological disturbance for many.

What is Loneliness? Loneliness is the state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one's desires for social connection and actual experiences of it. It is also described as: an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. The bottom line is that too many of us experience isolation. Certainly, Covid created a lot of isolation for people living alone. The very structures of many of our dwellings, also contribute. Many of us live in apartments without social offerings or in our small separate boxes. Add to that an increase in violence in a city that heretofore had little, and you have fear. An unstable political situation only exacerbates the feelings.

Many of us grew up with family nearby. For me, even though we moved a lot, everywhere we lived, there was family. We had many gatherings with family. Our neighborhood, in the time of wives at home, had many the coffee klatch. There was almost always someone we could call on in an emergency or simply for company.

That is true no more. Many of us left our families and headed west. The tenor of many of the larger cities in the west, was such that we became more fearful. Trust was a factor with a lot of schemes and charlatans playing on our naivety. The burbs for a while provided some of the old klatch gatherings yet wives returning to the workforce or college in the 70’s women’s movement changed that also. All of these factors contributed to a cultural evolution and ultimately, we ended up with more isolation.

One symptom of that is the cyber dating phenomenon. Religious practices where many had socialized, experienced a fall out in attendance. The usual meeting places and/or family gatherings became few and far between. Many of us moved even more having to establish ourselves from scratch, again and again.

Meetups developed to fill some of the gap yet, like all organizations, they didn’t always last due to human foibles and that old nemesis, ego. Another group of us developed physical limitations which further exacerbated spending huge junks of our lives, alone. We couldn’t do the things that others were doing. Others experienced economic downturn which severely limited our spending on leisure activities.

So many factors in 2024 have caused too many people to feel loneliness. Awareness and commitment to some type of involvement may help overcome the feelings. Getting out more even to the store and talking with people may ease the untoward feelings. Making a huge effort to find some opportunities to socialize with like-minded people is another avenue. For seniors, joining a senior community, may after we get over accepting, that we too are ‘old’ people. Picking up the telephone and connecting with old friends may help. Bottom line, all of this requires some effort.

There have been some efforts to house older and younger people. This may be yet another avenue for easing feelings of loneliness. If you have a hobby, finding other people who enjoy it, may bring opportunities to be with people. Seeking counseling if you’ve gotten to the place of feeling depressed. Seeing if your city has a directory with organizations that may be of interest can help.

And, then there is technology. Yet another factor. It is forcing us to carry our smart phones around even in the house with sites that send you a code for access. It consumes way too many hours of our lives that we might have spent with other people. It’s lightning-fast changes often leaving us feeling inadequate and alone. Kids are spending more time inside than out. Adults may be getting depressed in an effort to keep up.

Bottom line, is once you realize that you are lonely, it is important to do something about it. For me, I know that if I spend too much time alone, I have to be the boot in my butt that says, “get out there.” No one is coming to you, if they don’t know where you live. Volunteer. Put on some glad rags, and get out of the house. Accept that this is a different time and you need new tools to cope. Also commit to learning to enjoy and love yourself. Fill in your circle.

“Find company within yourself and you’ll never spend a day alone.” -Connor Chalfant

“We are living in dystopia, in a world that is dominated by technology and disconnect, alienation and dysfunction.” -Steven Wilson

“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change.” -Gretchen Rubin

“We can all fight against loneliness by engaging in random acts of kindness.” -Gail Honeyman

“We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found the answer in community.” – Dorothy Day

Judgments

by Rev. Amari Magdalena

Recently, I was struck by judgmental commentary on Facebook about parenting.  It reminded me of the old singsong, playground torment, “my ____ is better than your _____.”  It presents in my mind, a clear and present danger to building those bridges of understanding that the world so desperately needs.  This mine is best raises its ugly head almost daily on FB with the war of foodies. Then comes the barrage of politics.  Everywhere there seems to be conflict.

We’ve come to a great chasm in our country precipitated by polarizing viewpoints of what is best for our country.  There is a harsh and bitter divide brewing in rhetoric, snarky humor, and resurfacing of buried hurts and prejudices.  Families, friends, cohorts, fraternal organizations, and other associations are experiencing tearing apart over oppositional viewpoints. We are rapidly moving toward the nation divided of which Abraham Lincoln posited we would not stand.

The word judgment suggests that we’ve come to a decision after careful thought.  Yet the judgments being lambasted upon respondents to Facebook posts seem much more impulsive and emotional.  Careful thought has gone begging.  The word, judgmental, on the other hand, displays an excessively critical point of view.

I grew up with extremely critical parents.  As a troubled adult, I found that legacy creeping into my vernacular whenever my own personal self-judgments got projected onto nearby others. Easier to deflect the self-criticisms perhaps than to own up to the underlying self-esteem issues at the real heart of the matter.  If I wasn’t projecting onto others; I was self-flagellating in damaging words.

It took some time of attempting to walk in another person’s shoes and the vagaries of my own life’s unfolding, to realize how harmful criticism is (both self and other).  As an artist and author, I’ve been the recipient of criticism that demonstrated our collective wounds in glaring clarity.  I found a quote in a book I just read that captured this for me poignantly.  “…first rule of being an artist or doing anything creative is to do it for yourself and consider the source when someone criticizes your work.”

The bible reminds us to cast not the first stone yet stoning with words seems to be the game du jour of our present environment. From a shamanic perspective, words can be spell casting.  One of the first Toltec premises for a more joyous life, is to become impeccable with our words; reframe from causing harm.

Beyond our words doing harm, are our negative thoughts.  Each, and every, time we see someone perhaps dressed in a way we do not approve of; our judgment is telepathically sent to the person. A sensitive person perceives this. Imagine the fog of judgment floating through the air every day just from our less than stellar thoughts. Now add pixels of projected negativity through our tablets, cell phones, computers, etc.  It’s amazing we are not all going around like the old cartoon character Joe Btfsplk in Li’l Abner who always had a dark cloud over his head.

So, what is the solution? How do we arrest this judgmental tendency in ourselves, our circle of friends, and our nation?  My answer is paying attention; noticing.  It begins with us.  From our first thoughts when we get out of bed until the last thoughts before we go to sleep, we are thinking.  Much of the thoughts are not positive.  If we tune into any media daily, we have had our consciousness filled with thoughts of human failings.  Add to that our own self-judgments and then our stated unhappiness with those around us, and we have a compost pile of very putrid debris.

First solution is NOT to berate yourself; very important.  Notice the thought; thank it; advise it that you are complete with its message; and send it back to the nothingness from which it came.  No harm; no foul. Follow this with a positive thought about whatever was coming up.

I KNOW this is a huge challenge.  Facebook is filled with negative media and just a few truly inspiring stories.  If you’re posting 10 a day; make 9 of them positive.  If you must post a negative to arouse people towards change, couch the posting by substituting “Ain’t it awful” with “this is such a great message for us to really awaken and affirm, though actions and words, for a more humane perspective.”

Most definitely, I am not advocating for burying our heads in the sand when crucial issues for human existence are at stake.  Simply suggesting, I am, that we spin it to the positive.  “Look how clear this example is for bringing us to collective change for good.  See how it is demonstrating in vivid colors, the ways we need to change and experience our society.  What a gift!”

Look, I’m not setting myself up as a saint here or saying that I do this all the time.  Good Lord, no!  What this tome is about is taking baby steps towards a consciousness of love and compassion so that we do create a world where everyone thrives.  We do everything we are capable of to create positive change for the common good.  And, we take time to look inside the flowers of life to see their magnificence!

"Everyone must leave something behind when he dies...Something your hand touched some way, so your soul has somewhere to go when you die...It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it, into something that's like you after you take your hands away."  Ray Bradbury

"You can't make footprints in the sands of time by sitting on your butt.  And who wants to leave buttprints in the sands of time?"  Bob Moawad

 😊  A little humor to end on!

Moments

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

Moment is defined as “very brief portion of time, an instant.” Working with energy and ceremonial magic, I’ve often experienced the mystical in my spiritual life.  Compartmentalizing, as we humans often, do, I’ve perhaps glossed over that in my material life.  Yet a movie script or a book can remind me that an integration of both is imperative now with a certain ebbing of life.

Life is a collection of moments it is said. What if I could take all the moments of love I’ve experienced over three quarters of a century and string them together, would it reach the sky?  Would it bring down heaven that I’ve sought thinking permanence was the road to bliss?  Would it wrapped around me, give me the warmth to complete this century, even alone?

We are so very often seeking completions, stability, assuredness, solidity that I feel we often miss the beautiful moments that make up a life.  So much of our energy is focused on what was or what is to be, that we often miss the rapture of moments.  We are so adept at not being present, that we miss the true gift being offered.

How could I not treasure falling in love over a Kwakiutl Mask at a museum?  What bliss that dance and butterflies on that glorious Florida weekend? Did I not feel completely appreciated at the Atlanta airport when a traveling stranger placed his hands around my face and said, “You are beautiful?” The 2 hours spent with the artist poet in which a flirtation bolstered each of our needs to feel desirable.  The room full of sterling roses on my birthday at the beach and the osprey flying free.  The awe inspired moment of births of my children.  First crush; first love. All the passionate craziness of estrus adventures in exploring the body electric.

Gluttony seems to have overshadowed small treasures for me, always wanting more.  If it was good, then often I failed to truly appreciate it with that desire to concretize it.  I’m sure many can relate to that; our need to label or define things, to make them more enduring.  And, yet as I look back over my life, it was in moments that the magic was presented.  So very many moments that only now do I appreciate more fully as I surrender the need to know what is around the next bend.

I’ve come to realize the gift of having lived long enough to recognize the folly of the more youthful longings.  As time begins to involute, I’ve come to embrace little moments of love.  Hugs from grandchildren; beautiful skies; sun breaking through the clouds; smiles of friendship; spring unfolding in flowered glory; frost speckled on windows; light streaming through the clouds; rainbows splayed across the room; seagulls at the sea; poignant love stories; beautiful cinematography; simple heart-felt hellos; listening to other’s story’s and waking up each day.

I’m realizing that the gift of having lived so long, is coming to the recognition of the glory in moments. As time becomes more fleeting, there is no time for wasting precious seconds and minutes wishing for something else. Perhaps therein lies the grace of aging.  The body begins to leave as the soul awakens more magnificently. We learn how to express gratitude without a hidden agenda of want.  If we are wise, we move into the essence and authenticity of who we truly are and learn deep appreciation for the Now. Vivere in momento!  

"Thousands of years ago, somebody came up with a notion of impermanence.  Of the beauty and inevitability of change. I had a long time to consider the value of memory. And, the idea the just because something didn't last forever, doesn't mean its worth is diminished." 5 to 7 (the movie).

[53 Past Blogs are in my book "Shaman Talk" available in softcover and ebook on Amazon.com]