By Rev. Amari Magdalena
In the world of cyber communication, lacking the in-person reading of intent, we may often feel invalidated. The meaning of the word used in communication is: “the process of denying, rejecting or dismissing someone's feelings. Invalidation sends the message that a person's subjective emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable.” Sounds pretty harash and rendering a complete denial of another’s emotional sharing.
On the surface, of course, most of us would not want to be found guilty of doing such a thing. Yet, we do it more than is good for having the recipient feel heard. The problem, listening. As a culture, we are failing in the listening department on more occasions than leads to comfort with others in social intercourse. Most of us are pretty guilty of this, certainly without malintent.
Indigenous cultures used different tools for communication. Some had such clarity of thought, they could telepath with others in the tribe; verbal communication was not always necessary. Others used tools like the talking stick and answering feather which encouraged others to listen to the speaker rather than be preparing their immediate response.
Years ago, I introduced the talking stick to a group of fairly diverse people whose similarity was to share a degree of spiritual experiences in their lives, including paranormal occurrences. To my surprise, the group in the main completely rebelled against the concept. They didn’t want to listen preferring to either debate, invalidate, or obfuscate. I found that numbingly aberrant yet was not surprised.
In a cultural setting of competition, rather than cooperation, there is always a tangible quest for one upmanship. Being Number One is more important than actually supporting group consensus and team building.
As we now see daily the destruction of an emphasis on competition, global greed, dismissive politics on earth preservation and freedom of rights of each person’s choice as it relates to their body, it is not surprising. At the same time, we are certainly witnessing the demise of yet another Empire. All previous ones have devolved and fallen yet humankind continues on personal and global paths of destruction.
Given the innate intelligence of humankind, it is then disturbing that history continues to repeat itself over and over and over again. Real communication goes wanting. Relationship building meets its demise. We are not communicating with one another; we are engaging in monologues and duologues. We are collectively behaving like many of the animals that we thought ourselves superior to.
Can this be altered or amened? Yes, it can with the big IF, we choose to individually and collectively effect a change. We can start listening without composing our answers. We can ask ourselves what is the person sharing with us? Are they asking for advice? Are they seeking solutions from us? Are they simply venting and needing validation for their feelings? Can we sit in silence and hold space? Can we shut up??
Some spiritual traditions require periods of complete silence as a way of going further within. For many it’s like doing hard time in isolation and almost crippling. Yet, the benefit may long outweigh the personal needs of the self in deference to the greater good of the universal whole.
Perhaps next time you hear or read of someone simply sharing their experience, you will choose to simply listen and say, “I hear you” or whatever is appropriate to the feelings being expressed. In cyber space, you could send a heart or care symbol and let the other know you heard them without pontificating or rendering solutions not asked for. You could be silently reverent and say to the Universe, “may peace prevail for the good of this individual and humankind.”
“…validation between partners is the communication of understanding and acceptance.” – Alan E. Fruzzetti
“Our desire for sympathy and attention is another major reason we complain. Think about the things you complain about. What are you looking for when you share? I would bet that a lot of the time it’s validation like, “Yeah, that is annoying,”” – Whitney Goodman
“Sometimes, this can be as simple as paying attention and making good eye contact and nodding, or saying “uh-huh” or “right” or “okay.” At other times, validating requires a more thorough acknowledgment of the experience, such as “I know you are really disappointed” or “you look really sad.”” – Alan E. Fruzzetti
“You can disagree with absolutely everything someone, is saying, but you can still validate them.”–James W. Williams.
