Pain: Finding Ways to Live with and through it.

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

Along this journey we call life, we will experience pain.  It may by physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual.  In an average childhood, our pains may be simple scrapes and fall.  For some the pain may be quite emotional.  Some may experience mental pain from being different or having brains that function atypically from others. Spiritual pain may not be so prevalent in childhood though many people come to question the religious beliefs held by their parents.

With advancing age, I am discovering, physical pain may become an uninvited guest in a body that is succumbing to years of activity, dietary choices, and simple wear and tear.  Like our cars, parts do wear out over time.  Ancestry may be at play, climate, activities, and the unexpected become targets of our otherwise general good and earlier adult health.

Pain can be our friend, notifying us of a problem.  And, while that is a lovely philosophy, experiencing it and getting past it can be a challenge.  So, we could say, there is an upside and a downside of pain. Good that it lets us know something is amiss; not so good that we must find ways to live through it.

Personally, I’ve had pain at all levels since the early 90’s when my back required the first of several surgeries.  I’ve found ways to cope with that over the years.  Distraction was my best tool.  Hurt, do something else.  Move into a different mindset. Congratulate yourself for effectively implementing the Mind over Matter program.

That strategy held for many a year.  Often, there was another potent solution.  I found that whenever I entered a shamanic state of being while teaching, leading ceremonies, or healing others, my own pain completely abated during the sessions. Time out of mind helped.

In the past few years arthritis has grabbed a hold of me like a relentless vine.  It sneaks up in a damp climate like Japanese Kudzu that is enveloping the Southeast.  Like this plant, arthritis, spreads easily and everywhere proving triumphant against schemes to rid myself of it.  It’s humbled me and given me glimpses of severe pain that many people suffer every day with this and other health maladies.

So how does one live with this?  I can only speak for myself.  In the meantime, and the between times, I’ve come to appreciate more pain free days much more.  It forces me to be very present and live more in the now.  A good day is a Hallelujah celebration.  A not so good day, a testament of resolve to retreat, take time off, and gather strength to move through it.  Sometimes I talk to the pain to understand what warning signs it is offering me. I can affirm that this too shall pass, which I do often.

I don’t believe we can ‘walk in another person’s moccasins’ on the issue of pain.  What we can do, is be a bit more sensitive to the person experiencing it. We can hold off on recommending endless remedies and actually listen to the person and express our sorrow that they are experiencing it.  We can offer whatever help they may need.  We can give a heartfelt hug. Ultimately, we can speak up about the abysmal condition of healthcare in our country and the failure of medicine to find cures for the diseases that have garnered wealth for Big Pharma.  We can become advocates.

My siblings and I often wondered what happened to our joyful Mother who was so playful when we were growing up and became harsh, critical, and difficult.  Sadly, I now know that she became somewhat embittered by her trial of pain. I surely hope that in the wondrous ethers of weightlessness and consciousness, she is a Light being again.  I can affirm that I will not succumb to bitterness.

For those of you reading this who are in pain, I extend my deepest sympathy and empathy. I hope you will be relieved of this burden.  I extend an affirmation that non-damaging relief will meet you on the road to improved health. I send you my blessings and love.  For those reading this who are not in pain, I hope you have gained a bit of perspective.  For all, may you discover the Being underneath and reach enlightenment.

“The struggle of my life created empathy.  I could relate to pain, being abandoned, having people not love me.”  Oprah Winfrey

“To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment.”  Eckart Tolle

Finding Our Place

Finding Our Place

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

If we are fortunate, in this world, we may find our True North; that place that best suits us.  It may be related to deep DNA, travels, or experiences.  Many of us sample different places seeking to find that special somewhere. 

When I left the desert five years ago, I thought I was complete with what I referred to as the baptism of fire.  Though I’d loved the desert climes since the first tumble weed blew across the Texas Panhandle and Butte came into view, I felt water was calling me.  My astrological chart has strong water, double Scorpio, though modified by Fire & Earth.  I also saw the water issues that I know will come into being.

It appears now that I am sated of water, at least in as much abundance as the Great Pacific Northwest enjoys.  Cactus’ call me to return.  I miss the glory of a blooming desert; the dry air; Roadrunners; other desert animals, and the smell of Sage.  My grandson used to say I smelled like sage. 

As I’ve this month made the definitive decision to return to the desert, a calmness has come over me. It feels like a resurrection of my energies.  I see this as affirmation of correct direction.  I’ve been awaiting that deep inner knowing and the nod, if you will, of Spirit saying, “Now.”

I’ve lived many places.  From the Mid-West to the Southeast, to the West and Southwest; not too much in the middle.  In reviewing my feelings about all of the lands, I kept returning to the Land of Enchantment.  From the first time I encountered New Mexico, I’ve loved it.  It’s not always been an easy love; it has its challenges as with any place, yet I return to the feeling of Madre Tierra and her call to return to the womb.

Places have their individual energies.  Some are magnetic, some electric.  Some are what I call Kodak color and some Fuji color.  I know in my soul; I prefer Fuji Color. It represents the upper Chakras; a band width I’ve been drawn to since coloring in my early childhood. I’ve never been a big fan of the lower Chakra color band though I’ve incorporated it for balance.

I come from a lineage of wanderers on both sides.  They wandered from Europe and Asia.  I’ve wandered across the country. We were not people that stayed put.  Adventure called and we said, “Yes!” Yet at this growing elder passage, there is an inner call for the place of completing earth time.  Perhaps I will still wander some in my chariot, yet ‘home’ is becoming of more import.

Though I do embrace the philosophy of being ‘on the earth,’ not ‘of the earth,’ while I’m here, I want to be in that place with which I feel the most bond.  Some physicality does dictate aspects of this, it is true. I only remember that when I’ve crossed the border into New Mexico, I’ve always gotten out and felt the Divine Feminine encircling me.  Flashbacks of other times there often abound. I’m in hopes she will embrace her prodigal daughter, this third time of returning.

If you trust yourself, you too, will find that ultimate place.  It will be seated in the depths of your soul and you will know then you are home. Faith will get you there.

“Life takes you unexpected places, love brings you home.”

“I left the light in my heart on in case you ever wanted to come home.”

“The magic thing about home is that it feels good to leave, and it feels even better to come back.”

“Home is not a place it’s a feeling.”

Allowing Ourselves to be Known

by Rev. Amari Magdalena

At a CSL service recently the director talked about respect. A lot of the talk was focused on our inner beings.  Words like honor, admiration, esteem, praise, homage, etc and trust came up.  Holding communities in respect was also a topic of discussion.  Somewhere in the talk, she mentioned “allowing ourselves to be known” and that illuminating bulb, that had become somewhat dimmed, went off in my inner knowing.

It got me assessing my own ability, or lack thereof, of allowing myself to be known at that deeper level of vulnerability.  A lot of people in my life believe they know me, at least the public me. The private me is very little known. I can see now that fact was the destruction of many of my intimate relationships.  That malady was due to trust! This is going to be a much more intimate blog, it seems. My intention is for it to perhaps spur any others, who are little known, to trust coming forward—out of isolation if you will.

If you understand childhood psychology, trust is built in the first two years.  The adult ability to be vulnerable is built on that early trust.  If you trust your early caretakers, you will most likely grow to trust others and then yourself.

From 4 to 10 months of age, my mother left me with my paternal grandparents while she moved to another state to pursue my father. He left to find better opportunities than those available in a small, insular, Michigan town. He wanted a more expansive life. Being tied down to mother and child were not in his life plan at that time of his emotionally immature twenties.  She was hell bent on forcing marriage and parenthood on him at any cost.  Not the best of motives for building a family.

When he could not escape her, or the subterfuge she created to trick him into marriage, he joined the Marines.  It was World War II and all good men were jumping on the good ship save Europe.  Mother returned for me and was forced into the workforce.  Babysitters became my substitute mother before age 2.  Mother then divorced my father and married my stepfather when I was 2 1/2. A new life began for me. They even changed my last name. My own father was kept from me, throughout my childhood by my mother and stepfather who manipulated him into allowing my adoption.

Being a stepchild is not an easy life in many cases.  Four children were born of that marriage and I became the half-sister.  Cut off from my own father by jealousy and revenge, I spent the next 17.5 years mourning over my situation as a round peg in a square hole. If I dared to mention my father, I was immediately shut down either with stories of his nonfeasance, or gratitude I should have for a stepfather. Though perhaps well meaning, I was constantly reminded of how I came to the new family and how lucky I was to be accepted. Yet, I wasn’t. 

Sensitive children absolutely know when they don’t fit in and grief becomes a lonely endeavor that is the hard shell around their innermost feelings of acceptance. Add to that, not looking much like the siblings, yet sworn not to reveal my origins, fostered isolation. The family dysfunction and violence compounded things by being forced to adhere to the oath that “what happened in the house, stayed in the house.” Secrets were a way of life which in turn developed into a lifelong hesitancy to ever just be the essential me.

I was thinking a lot about this as the director addressed respect and trust.  I could feel the many, many situations in which I hold back and keep myself somewhat separate.  Separation has been my safety. If I don’t open the flood gates and keep the rising emotional rivers sand bagged, no harm can come.

One of my lifelong refuges has been intellectualism and numbers. I could stay in my head’s safety and numbers add up.  While my creative side finally got expressed, and I did a lot of work to access feelings, there was/is still that invisible barrier to anyone getting too close.  It is like being in a room of people and you are always sitting slightly apart from everyone.  You become the proverbial island unto yourself. Islands aren’t moored as securely as most solid land masses.  They drift, sometimes float, and occasionally just disappear. 

As I sat that day in my separate island, I realized that it is about time that I allowed myself to be known!  Not as a commodity or title, as a deeply human emotional being.  In the song Something So Right are words: And, I got a wall around me that you can’t even see, takes a little time to get next to me.”  Time, I think to let someone get next to me! I hope you too, who are living behind that protection wall, will decide to crack its surface, and allow some people in!  Past time to allow ourselves to be known!

“I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.” Brene Brown

“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.” Merle Shain Author “Some Men are More Perfect Than Others.”

“There can be no vulnerability without risk; there can be no community without vulnerability; there can be no peace, and ultimately no life, without community.” M. Scott Peck

Version II