Life and Death

 by Rev. Amari Magdalena

In this lifetime we will have many experiences of opposites. We will experience separation, the very thing we chose to experience as we left the oneness and assumed a human body. These experiences will be realized on physical, emotional, mental and spiritual levels. We will have highs and lows, joy and sorrow, jubilation and depths of despair. Our landscape of family, friends, and relatives will come and go. If we are very fortunate to have a long life, we may come to understand how these opposites complement our lives. In fact, we may not be able to experience joy without the contrast of some sorrow. Grace of age can help us finally understand all that we’ve taken in and left off.

 

Approaching 85, I’ve come to a greater peace than I knew in the tumultuous teens and early life as I sorted out who I was and what I came here to do. Frankly, no one could pay me any large sum of money to go through the teen years again. At times, I do wonder how on earth I got through my teens. I still have faint scars on my wrists from trying to take an early exit. Later I came to realize that I was a drama queen and indeed fed on those high highs and low lows. They fueled a huge part of my younger days until I surrendered them.

 

Should you have a long life, you will experience loss. The parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, best friends, lovers, teachers, and all those people that so influenced our lives will be gone at some point in time. And we will miss them, some terribly. Mementos and pictures will remind us from time to time when they were central to our lives. Goodbyes will become normalized at some level.

 

I’ve lost a mother, two fathers, 11 grandparents, one sibling, cousins, a grandchild, one child, 2 husbands, my very best friend and 2 close friends, a few lovers, and beloved others. I realized that we all have a number out in the ethers of time. When our number is called, we too will be history to others who hold us dear. Like magic, one day someone who has been a huge part of our lives will magically exist no more. I realized that with one of the deaths.

 

So how do we cope as people leave us. How can we redirect our attention to things that still bring us joy and pleasure during great grief. For me the solution has been to seek great beauty at such times. I may choose to focus on beautiful art in my home. Perhaps I will take a drive to the mountains. In walking days, I may have hugged a tree (including very carefully a big Saguaro Cactus). Going to ancient ruins or sites can bring joy. Getting up to see the sunrise on the East Coast or the sunset on the West Coast over water. Holding my loved one in remembrance with candles, pictures, and ceremony also gives me pleasure. Simply being in nature is extremely healing.

 

One day we will return to the oneness. As we traveled into the depths of the birth canal to light and welcoming, we will travel in another tunnel to a commanding light and see our most loved ones luminous and inviting. The circle will be complete. Beyond that lies our next adventure and we will again be in that place we’ve longed for, Home!

 

“We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.” ― Paulo Coelho

 

“What we enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we loved deeply becomes a part of us.” ― Helen Keller

 

Death said to life: “why do people hate me and love you? “Life said : “because I'm a beautiful lie and you're a painful truth “ ― Author unknown

 

"Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief." ―William Faulkner

Loss and Grief

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

A recent program that I listened to on NPR discussed the impact of loss and grief on the airplane crash victim’s families.  It got me thinking about all of the large and small losses, and resultant grief, that we each experience on this physical plane over a lifetime.  Some of our losses we more easily recover from under the old adage, “live and learn.”  The big ones may take a lot more time and for those we may find acceptance on some levels yet may not ever fully recover in the sense of being the same person we were before the loss.

Years ago I wrote in a poem, “Or would the moment die its own fleeting death anyway ...As we are living and dying in moments.”  This was not meant to be fatalistic rather a recognition that there are all kinds of deaths that we come to cope with over our time on this Earth; each in our own way. The path to coping and acceptance are as varied as the causes or conditions of the deaths.

There were two times in my life that I’ve felt overwhelming grief at death.  One was the year that Martin Luther King, my cousin Patsy and Bobby Kennedy died in April, May and June correspondingly.  I could not fathom such grief at loss of leadership and a young, beautiful cousin. It took a good year to find some peace with their individual and collective passing.

The other time was even more egregious.  Within a period of three years, I lost a 3-year-old grandson, a 52-year-old sister and a 17-year-old nephew.  I’d had a premonition that major grief was about to descend several weeks before the first death; thankfully I was given no idea whatsoever what was to come. And, the grief wasn’t over I sensed after our beautiful Diego was gone.  What a roll-a-coaster ride those short years were.

Each of us must find a path through our grief and losses. What saved me with the latter griefs ultimately was the grounding that daily sustains me through earth-based practices and the medicine wheel of life. I feel extremely fortunate that I found this path as it has sustained me as no other in my lifetime.

In working with my personal grief, and others in my family and pastoral counseling, I’ve seen that there is no formula or time frame for processing grief.  The ‘get over it’ mentality that so very many people espouse to avoid deep feelings, just doesn’t work.  The degree of loss includes: the circumstance of the loss; the people or loved pets involved; the place one is in their life; the supportive environment or lack thereof; the time in life; etc. 

For some people, counseling is effective; for others grief support groups.  Others may take solace in their religious or spiritual practices. I believe there is no right way.  Each of us, with some support, or help, can find a pathway that works.

I’m also struck by what I said in the poem, we are living and dying in moments.  That knowledge, for me, means that I want to embrace my life in the now with appreciation for each day and the people who are now in my life.  It also means that I can treasure what is presented to me today without worrying about what might be taken away tomorrow or what was taken in the past.

Dia de los Muertos ceremonies are a wondrous way to celebrate our friends and family who’ve stepped through the veil.  At that time when the veils are thinnest between the material and ethereal worlds, we can bring into our presence those loved ones and celebrate them.  At other times, memories and pictures help us keep a loving connection with our beloveds. 

Birth, life and death are the triumvirate we all live with.  Being gentle with ourselves, allowing grief it’s due, and coming to feel thankful for whatever time is allotted us and our dear ones, can move us a long way to acceptance and appreciation for the fragility of this wondrous play, Life.  The key is living and loving.

[53 Past Blogs are in my book "Shaman Talk" available in softcover and ebook on Amazon.com]