Having the Last Word

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

Something I’ve observed lately on social media, got me thinking.  I’m sure we’ve all done this in days when having the last word seemed to be about our opinion being most correct in conversations.  I find myself pondering and looking through the lens of my own past.  Sure enough, there was a time when I wanted to have the last word.  Perhaps because I wanted to win; perhaps I thought my view was more correct.  In hind sight, it is challenging to remember the reason. I simply acknowledge and wish to be aware of not perpetrating that tendency.

We are living in very divisive times. I doubt anyone will argue with that.  True communication and building bridges of understanding are often elusive.  I’ve seen that in my own FB posts.  Even when I’ve said that I honor someone’s truth and wish for them to honor mine, someone will have to have the last word in disagreement.  Perhaps it is softly stated; perhaps not. With it brings an argument of sorts and validation goes begging.

Yet it got me thinking about this thing of winning.  I vaguely remember a concept of New Games which passed through in the late seventies as a non-competitive way for everyone to win.  There was discussion about the importance of win/win vs. win/lose experiences. The athletic application found its way into popular psychology and communication I’m OK/Your OK strategies. As all trends do in time pass, New Games faded into the nothingness from which the concept arose.

In the recesses of my mind, I seem to recall some later discussions about the concept that not everyone can win and we need to embrace disappointment and loss. The pendulum was swinging wildly while many people pondered what was the best way to handle difference of opinion and beliefs. Even more theories were extolled. Enter it’s all about me and entitlement and poof, integration of concepts and ideas on communication flew.  In some corners babbling was evidenced.

This brings me to the present moment in time and the question of what to do about this need to have the last word.  Perhaps we might offer more epilogues in our exchanges; leaving an openness to new possibilities, a potential for a series etc.  Maybe we just need to learn more about validation.  Ultimately, we need to learn to be better listeners without agendas, I feel.

One indigenous tradition that might be of great value would be the Talking Stick.  Whether it is to be a physical stick passed in a group or perhaps an emoji to use in our discussions it might help us surrender the need to win at a communication.  The answering feather emoji could be passed on when the talking stick recipient was ready for an exchange.  A further emoji might be developed to see a circle that has ended on a discussion and that those that wanted to contribute did from the “I” own my feelings and acknowledge that you, and me and we, do not always have to agree to have a genuine exchange of ideas.

Finally, we might have a Teepee emoji to invite all participants in the discussion to come up with ideas and solutions to the original sharing of what was a seemingly unattainable consensus.  We could beta test the concept and then present it to our town halls, Sunday salons, social and political groups or in any situation where division is causing undue anger and angst. 

The essential point is that if we are to survive as a people on the planet, we do need new ways of talking and listening to one another, without an agenda that leaves one side potentially feeling less or put off.  We need to learn to listen without the need to immediately respond. Surrendering the interruption habit would be another consideration (we ADD folks are so gifted at that 😊).  And we need more quiet contemplation with our higher intelligence seeking to provide us with insight into how to mend the divisions and start constructing those bridges.

In the beginning our bridges may be made of fragile straw.  Hopefully in the future, we’ll find more permanent materials for them. Build we must.

“There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand — without you even speaking a word.” ― Yasmin Mogahed

Intolerance

By Rev. Amari Magdalena

Intolerance, defined as “unwillingness or refusal to tolerate or respect opinions or beliefs contrary to one’s one.”   It’s Latin basis: “in” for not; “tolerantem” for to bear, or endure. Seems, to me, to be a lot of that floating around these days especially on the social media sites.

We all have our opinions and beliefs.  Some are shaped by our life experiences; some by exposure to belief systems that we particularly resonate with.  Opinions and beliefs are valuable to the extent that our ego investment in them doesn’t allow for a change of mind or awakening to the new.  They become a problem mostly when we are disrespectful to those opinions and beliefs of others not in concert with ours.

Lately there has been major intolerance regarding the political debacle that we are witness to in this election year.  Another cyber world example of intolerance is regarding food-vegan, vegetarian, omnivore, etc.  Public breastfeeding is yet another example of polarized opining. Global warming or climate change, yet another.  Transgender use of bathrooms; another hot button. So many areas of disagreement. The issue is not necessarily about our personal views on any of these subjects rather our lack of respect for views that are 180 degrees from our cherished opinions.

Many spiritually based people hold a precious view of a world that works for everyone, these days.  Much is said about bringing everyone on board to express their particular gift or talent and find appreciation in so doing.  The word Peace probably has exponential hits or clicks every day.  Yet it’s all just empty words unless we are willing to extend respect to those who differ with our opinion, beliefs, views. 

As I’ve been contemplating this blog for a week or so, I have become painfully aware of my own areas of intolerance.  I’ve found myself observing something that doesn’t resonate with me and a judgment or intolerance floating across my mind.  To remedy this, I’ve turned my negative judgment around and found a way to express the thought in a more positive vein.  Perhaps there is something I may learn by what I am witnessing; or possibly it will give more credence to holding my belief with more reverence.  Yet R.E.S.P.E.C.T. is required if I am to move past intolerance and judgment.

Aretha socked it to us in her famous song.  It may be time to revisit its wisdom. “Ain’t gonna do your wrong.”  Catch that last word, wrong.  When we are intolerant, judgmental, and make the other person wrong, there is no possibility of respect–let alone peace making.   Respect too has Latin origins: respicere (see respect (n.). Meaning "treat with deferential regard or esteem."

Can you imagine a world in which we greet people “I esteem you?”  Possibly it is a better greeting than Namaste because it truly says that I/we/you honor the person in front of us and not just the spirit within. And that, my friends, is what I truly believe is necessary for us to create a world that crosses all lines of division: ethnic, creed, religion, culture, age, sexual orientation, etc. 

If I want to know what makes you tick, I can only find that out by being willing to listen to you, truly listen and pay you due respect.  For example, my oldest son is politically my polar opposite in allegiances.  Yet, I learn something every single time that we have an in depth discussion about his beliefs.  I discover that some of it does in fact resonate; some does not.  I know that if we had more flexibility in our body politic of the moment, this kind of listening could only strengthen platforms by incorporating doable ideas that potentially serve all of the people. 

Discussions about food could take on a different tone.  Instead of shaming and blaming, vegans and vegetarians could share their personal stories of increased health and energy.  Politicians could choose broader platforms that address a broader brush of their constituency.  Climate change could be opened up more for discussion without so much human shame and blame.  Breastfeeding and human sexuality would have their due if we were willing to explore our deeper feelings about our bodies and their function.  The growing LGBT community could be viewed with compassion for their deep struggles in societies that hold more concrete beliefs on what is ‘normal’ and not in human sexual  behavior.

We are birds of many feathers and hues; each one of us. By becoming more and more aware of respect, esteem, and tolerance, I believe we’d have a much better chance of creating a world community of love and compassion.  I’m committed to working on my areas of intolerance.  I invite you to have that “Come to Jesus” moment yourself and learn to give what you wish to receive; R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

[53 Past Blogs are in my book "Shaman Talk" available in softcover and ebook on Amazon.com]